Its been a long, hard, emotional week but other than when I first found out how poorly little H was I haven’t really cried, just silently shed a tear each night looking at his empty crib.
Instead I’ve soldiered on (my mums favourite saying) I’ve been strong for my boys so that they didn’t worry, I’ve comforted them when they cried and told them it will be alright.
But today I broke, it was over something trivial, I asked the nurse for some milk for H and she informed me he wasn’t due another feed yet, his care plan said every 3-4 hours.
That was it, something so small, so trivial, I know when he is due a feed, it was me that wrote his bloody care plan, but at that moment I felt out of control, like he wasn’t mine, like I had to ask permission and that was it, the tears came and they didn’t stop.
I really felt for the nurse, she had to deal with me and sobbing snotty mess. I got it all out, all my frustrations, all my “its not fairs” and that nurse was bloody fantastic, she listened, she hugged me, she made me laugh and smile.
It felt so good to get it out, I really do bloody miss him and want him home, I want to get a bit of normality back for my sake as well as the boys.
Tomorrow I will be strong again and keep on fighting x